Beware the Praise Junkie

I'm back. Today anyway.

As the Little Man grows, starts talking, responding to praise and punishment, and generally turning into a little kid, I was especially interested to read this article.

http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

The author mentions using confirmation of an action (you tied your shoes!) versus praise (wow you tied your shoes so well!). This helps your child know that you're paying attention, but does not make him rely upon you for confirmation of whether or not he is doing a good job.

The Millennial generation grew up with parents who were taught that praise is the "right" way to direct your children's behavior. The result is a generation of praise-junkies, as evidenced by the guidance I am constantly given as a supervisor of new hires. "Praise them. Give them feedback. They need lots of assurance from you that they're on the right track." Some of the advice is even a little bitter (mainly from older generations): "They need to have someone say 'good job' just for showing up to work on time."

Generational tensions aside, I believe that this article has some good advice. I intend to pay attention to my little man, but give him room to build his own sense of when he is doing a good job. However, I'm sure well-deserved praise will continue to flow!

Apple Milk

Shortly after the little man switched over to cow's milk, it seemed like he wasn't 100% sure of the taste. He did drink it pretty well, but then I saw some kids drinking strawberry milk (the Nesquik kind), and I thought maybe he would like milk better if it were a little sweeter. Not really wanting to start a Nesquik habit in the house, I invented Apple Milk instead. All you do is put a splash of apple juice into regular milk. Maybe 10-20%. The little man loves it! He'll still drink regular milk, but often he'll ask for some apple juice, too. It works well, but you definitely get some weird looks from people when you mix juice into milk!

Dermatologist Recommended

When I noticed myself sneaking into the Little Man's room at night to steal his lotion, I knew he had a good thing. He has had some mild skin problems that culminated in a staph infection of the hair folicales on his back. Ew, gross, I know. Anyway, the antibiotic took care of the infection, and we went to see a dermatologist. Turns out he has some mild eczema. And the key to managing it is to keep his skin well lubricated. If not, it gets dry and flaky, and is susceptible to icky things like staph infections.

So what did the dermatologist recommend to keep his skin as soft as a baby's skin should be? Aveeno. Just the regular old Aveeno body lotion in the green and tan bottle. The one that says "Dermatologist Recommended" right there on the front. I think in the past I've always been turned off by the smell. But after using Aquaphor and Vaseline, it smells about the same, but it's not so think and goopy. And his skin is again as soft again as it should be. AND my hands are benefitting as well! Such a good solution. I'm thinking of getting a bottle for me.

Thermometers and the Related Fever

At the hospital, they sent us home with a simple electronic thermometer. And some sort of expectation that you'd be taking your baby's temp every 2 hours or something to make sure no fevers ever occurred. For the first six weeks, you live in fear of a fever because any real fever at that age results in a... FULL SEPSIS WORK-UP. Wow! What the heck is that? Answer: Blood, urine, SPINAL FLUID. Yes, spinal fluid. So you REALLY don't want your baby to get a fever. And I thought, if he DOES get a fever, I want to know right away. So I bought one of those $40 ear thermometers.

Here's the conversation I had with the nurse the first time the Little Man had a fever (luckily outside of the full-sepsis-workup age range):

Me: "My son has a fever"

Nurse: "How high?"

Me: "103"

Nurse: "How'd you take that temperature?"

Me: "With my fancy $40 ear thermometer"

Nurse: "Take it anally and call me back"

Me: "D'Oh!"

Because of course, you can't take a squirmy baby's temp while on the phone, so you have to hang up, take the clothes off, take the diaper off, figure out the cheap-o thermometer they gave you at the hospital, take the temp, then call back, wait on hold, explain the whole situation to a new nurse, and THEN get a same-day appointment.

The moral of this story is obvious: Save your money. Use the cheap-o hospital thermometer. We're still using it today, and the Little Man is nearly a year and half old.

Baby Anthropology

One of the best books we read while pregnant was Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent by Meredith Small. It's a great book that really helps put some perspective on all the things that we think are "normal." You realize that "normal" is very specific to our Western, modern culture. With greater context, you can make informed decisions, rather than unconscious non-choices. It's a good, fairly quick read. But definitely read it before the baby comes. One of the author's other books, Kids: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Raise Young Children, is still on my shelf.

Jet Lag Has Nothing on Baby Lag

There are many ways in which becoming a parent changes you. You learn new things. You gain new skills. Some are obvious (diaper changing... patience...) and some are not. Take for instance, what I like to call "baby lag."

As a new parent, you learn to live with major sleep deprivation. All the time. You think it's bad when you're still at home on maternity leave. I mean, new babies wake up like every 90 minutes and want something. Like milk. Or a clean diaper. Sheesh. But then you go back to work. You still have to get up in the middle of the night. Every night. Sometimes multiple times. AND you also have to smack that snooze button a couple times before dragging your butt out of bed because there's some sort of crazy expectation that you actually show up at work. So you wander about in a sleep deprived haze hoping people at work won't notice your serious lack of concentration and short-term memory.

But all this has an upside. You have now conquered what I call "baby lag." And if you have successfully and fully obtained this skill, you are now immune to the more commonly known affliction of jet lag. I have traveled all the way around the world since my child was born. And you know what? International business travel jet lag has got NOTHING on baby lag. You get to sleep when you want. It's quiet. You have no chores to keep you up. People EXPECT you to be unfocused and drifty. Come on. Piece of cake. You have mad baby lag skills now.

A brief word of warning, though... international family travel is another story entirely... But that's a post for another day.

Get a Comfy Rocking Chair

There is this rocking chair. It was in my room before I can even remember. A fixture of my childhood. It is wooden. It creaks. It has been painted many colors. My dad was rocked in it. I was rocked in it. My little sister was rocked in it. Of course I had to have it for my little man's room.

I was fortunate because my mother was willing to part with it. She even gave it a fresh coat of paint. And now my son has been rocked in it, too. I've nursed him many nights in it, I've read him countless bedtime stories in it. I've kept him company while he fell asleep in his crib. But here's the kicker. I've slept in it. Too many times to name. And I think it has caused serious neck damage. OK, well not serious. But anyway, my point is that when you choose a rocking chair for your baby's room, the number one factor influencing your choice should be heirloom status. But the number two factor: sleepability. Because you will sleep in it. A new parent cannot get up night after night, achieve serious levels of sleep deprivation, and NOT fall asleep in a rocking chair from time to time.

So when you're picking a chair for baby's room, ask yourself "am I OK with sleeping in this chair on a regular basis?" A few other nice features are arms for supporting your elbows while you hold your baby, a footstool (or other device to raise your knees while nursing, I typically used an old cardboard box), and gliding or rocking capability.

And for the record, I plan to use my special old rocking chair in my next baby's room too. Sore neck or no.

Car Seats

A pregnant friend recently asked me about the baby stuff you really need. She was feeling a little overwhelmed by Pee Pee Tee Pees and the like. Anyway, the first thing that came to mind as an absolute necessity was a car seat. Here's what I think about car seats.

1. Buy new. This is your baby's #1 safety item. Do you really want something that has been cooking in someone else's car, possibly traveled through airport security, and had who knows what leaked onto it? No. And you want the latest and greatest. So buy new.
2. Infant seats sure are convenient. Those click-in, click-out kind. You can buckle baby up in the comfort of your house, and then just snap in the seat and you're on your way. More importantly, the sleeping-baby-in-the-back-seat can become the sleeping-baby-in-the-living-room or -in-the-restaurant without becoming the screaming-unhappy-woken-up-baby.
3. The Britax Roundabout (and others, I'm sure) does work from tiny infant to big toddler. If you chose to ignore #2 above, you can save money by buying a single car seat that can face backward when they're little, and forward when they're bigger.
4. Consider getting two car seats. One for each car, or one for you and one for your caregiver. It is also extremely helpful to have two when traveling.
   
5. Get the installation inspected!!! I'm an engineer, as is my husband. We read the car seat instructions. We read the owner's manual instructions. We installed the car seat. We took it to get inspected (see seatcheck.org). We had not done a good job. At all. There were several major things we missed such as not using latch in the middle seat. Who knew? Get it inspected. Or AT LEAST have an experienced parent look at it.

"I Have a Conflict"

One of the best ways to manage work / life balance is to learn one simple phrase.

"I have a conflict."

When you are invited to a dinner after work...

"I have a conflict."

When you really need to work through lunch, but you have a questionably important meeting you've been invited to...

"I have a conflict."

When necessary, you can beef it up a bit...

"I'm SO sorry, but I have a conflict."

It works remarkably well in many situations. And it's not lying, just being vague... my conflict is that I have a commitment to spend that time with my son.

Now just don't tell anyone my secret.

Dessert to Go, Please

Last night, we took the little man out to a special meal at our favorite restaurant. Our favorite restaurant is a fancy but cozy modern American place where it takes weeks to get a reservation. We had never considered taking the little man, but the last time we ate there the sommelier told us we should definitely bring him next time. He was very adamant - he just said, "make a 5:30 reservation... we've had other kids here." We were a little dubious, but excited, and decided that the weekend after Thanksgiving would be the perfect time to celebrate as a family.

If you couldn't tell already, we really love food. And we really want the little man to love food too. Our plan is to expose him constantly to cooking and eating, and not just any food, but good food. I try to never feed him food that I don't like myself (even if it is all mashed up, the flavor has to be good). We take him out to eat a lot. We give him a spoon and a bowl and a colander to "cook" on the kitchen floor while we cook up above. We set him on the counter when appropriate to watch what we're doing. And we figured this was the ultimate - take him out to a really nice dinner.

While he did have a side of Mott's that we brought as a delay tactic, he tried several yummy things from the restaurant: fresh house-made apple cider, delicious warm crusty french bread, and risotto with leeks and mushrooms and a veal jus. When he got too sick of sitting at the table (after an hour and a half which I think is amazing patience for one so little), I got up with him to go watch the kitchen. When I got tired of holding him, I traded off with the big man, and sat back down to finish my wine (a wonderful pinot noir from Sineann). I requested the bill, and looked longingly at the desserts being served to the table next to us. That was when genius struck. Order dessert to go!!

While our desserts were being packaged up and I was sipping my wine, my two men were invited INTO the kitchen, to watch the action and chat with the chef. They were both in heaven. And the chef invited the little man back "anytime." It was a wonderful night. We plan to do it again... next year!

Happiest Baby

We read a lot of books prior to our little man's birth. I think one of the most important ones was The Happiest Baby on the Block. I do not recommend rushing out to buy this new - just get it used or borrow it from someone. You need about 20 minutes to read it, but it gives you simple, wonderful tools to help calm your fussy newborn. And they really worked! Even though the little man has not responded to any of these methods for quite some time, I still remember the "Five S's" - shush, sway, suck, swaddle, and side. Yes, I promise that will make sense once you take a look at the book.

Stokke High Chair

When it came time to get the little man a high chair, we decided to go with a less traditional choice. We bought him a Stokke Tripp Trapp (shown above), and we've been really happy with it. He sits right at the table like everyone else, and is not off in a corner with his own tray. It's adjustable so that he'll use it for many years (eco-friendly!), and then we can pass it on because it is so well made. With the removeable rail, he was able to start using it before he could really even sit up. And in addition to eating, it's great for art projects and other activities at the table.

We were a little worried about the mess, but even that hasn't been a problem. Yes, he does make a mess, but not anymore than I think he would if he were in a traditional high chair. We also got a couple of these silicone place mats, which really help keep his stuff in one place and are easy to clean up in the sink.

The Pregnancy Journal

This is a great book to have during pregnancy. You get a daily update on your baby's development, as well as the things that are happening to you and your body. There are also places to track your thoughts and experiences as you go through your pregnancy.

The Pregnancy Journal: A Day-to-Day Guide to a Healthy and Happy Pregnancy
by A. Christine Harris

Pasta a la Popeye

Orzo is a great first pasta - the little man loves it. I made him this simple pasta dish with it the other night.

Pasta a la Popeye

2 cubes frozen spinach, defrosted/warmed
3 TBS ricotta
1/4 C cooked orzo

Mix together and serve! It was so good I finished what the little man didn't eat! All it really needed to be perfect was garlic...

The Birth Plan (or Not)

So when we asked my doctor about a birth plan, she said that in her opinion, a birth plan was like a guaranteed ticket for a c-section. She recommended keeping an open mind, and going with the flow during the birthing process. That is not to say that she recommended we be ignorant or uneducated, rather that we should not have strict expectations about what would happen that day.

In the end, I wrote up some "birth preferences" but used them mainly to make sure that the big man and I talked through the possibilities and what we might do in different situations. We didn't show it to anyone else, and we kept an open mind. For instance, I didn't know what I would decide about the epidural until I'd been in labor for 8-10 hours. And I didn't know that the final deciding factor would be sleep! I went into labor in the late evening and by the time I was seriously considering a epidural, I'd been up all night. I don't do well with lack of sleep. The doctor told me I could take a nap if I got an epidural, I was in! I slept for about 4 hours - right through transition. Nice!

I got some template off the internet and modified it for us. So here in all their glory are my birth preferences (is all this detail TMI?). It's funny to re-read them, as some of them were absolutely followed, and some were pretty unimportant in retrospect. My retrospective comments are in ALL CAPS.

________________________________________
My support
My support person is my husband and I would like him to be present during labor and delivery. IMPORTANT.
________________________________________
Labor
I would like to be free to walk around during labor for as long as possible. MEH.
Before any medical interventions, I would like the opportunity to discuss the benefits, risks, alternatives and timing of the medical intervention. IMPORTANT.
________________________________________
Labor Augmentation/Induction
If labor is not progressing, I would like to have the amniotic membrane ruptured before other methods are used to augment labor. DID THIS.
I would prefer to be allowed to try changing position and other natural methods (walking, nipple stimulation) before pitocin is administered. NOPE. WENT STRAIGHT TO PITOCIN.
________________________________________
Anesthesia/Pain Medication
I would like to work with the doctors and nurses to choose what pain relief, if any, I need once my labor has started. IMPORTANT.
If I choose to have an epidural, I would like for it to start with a low dose of medication, which can be increased if I desire. I GOT AN EPIDURAL WHERE I COULD PUSH A BUTTON IF I NEEDED MORE DRUGS. I NEVER PUSHED THE BUTTON.
________________________________________
Cesarean
Unless absolutely necessary, I would like to avoid a Cesarean. SCORE! NO C-SECTION.
If a Cesarean delivery is indicated, I would like to be fully informed and to participate in the decision-making process.
I would like my husband present at all times if our baby requires a Cesarean delivery.
I wish to have an epidural for anesthesia if our baby requires a Cesarean delivery.
If our baby is not in distress, our baby should be given to his father immediately after birth.
________________________________________
Episiotomy
Per Dr. Sander's recommendation, I would prefer a small tear to an episotomy, and I would prefer an episotomy to a large tear. DEFINITELY TMI.
________________________________________
Delivery
I would like the chance to touch our baby's head when it crowns. DID THIS! HOW COOL!
We do not know the sex of the baby. I would like for my husband to be the one who announces it. ALSO SUPER COOL.
I would like to have our baby placed on my stomach/chest immediately after delivery. I WASN'T REALLY WITH IT AT THIS TIME... THEY SHOWED HIM TO ME AND I HELD HIM, WHICH WAS AWESOME.
________________________________________
Immediately After Delivery
I would like to hold our baby while I deliver the placenta and any tissue repairs are made. HUH? I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER THIS PART EITHER.
If our baby must be taken from me to receive medical treatment, my husband or some other person I designate will accompany our baby at all times. YUP - THE BIG MAN WAS WITH THE LITTLE MAN.
I would like to donate the umbilical cord blood if possible. DID THIS.
I would like to see the placenta after it is delivered. SEE ABOVE - THIS WAS THE LAST THING ON MY MIND.
________________________________________
Postpartum
I would like a private room, if available. GOT ONE.
I would like to have our baby 'room in' and be with me at all times, unless I request otherwise. YUP - THIS HAPPENED.
If a normal private room is not available, I would like a suite. THIS WAS SPECIFIC TO OUR HOSPITAL - THE OTHER ALTERNATIVE WAS A SHARED ROOM.
________________________________________
Breastfeeding
I plan to breastfeed our baby and would like to begin nursing very shortly after birth. DID THIS... PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ON THIS LIST.
Unless medically necessary, I do not wish to have any bottles given to our baby (including glucose water or plain water). HE DID NOT GET ANY BOTTLES.
I do not want our baby to be given a pacifier. HE HAD A PACIFIER AND IT DID NOT RUIN HIM AT ALL. WE WERE WAY TOO SCARED OF PACIFIERS... NOT NECESSARY.
________________________________________
Circumcision
I do not want our baby circumcised. (INSERT STUPID JOKE HERE.)

Best Baby Name Book

I'm an engineer, and that is applicable to this recommendation. My hands-down favorite baby name book is The Baby Name Wizard by Laura Wattenberg. The book has popularity trend graphs for every name (appeals to the nerdy engineer in me!), as well as recommendations for sibling names to go with each name. In the back, there are lists of names by genre, such as "Antique Charm," "Brisk and Breezy" and "Bell Tones."

To go with this book, also check out the two related websites for hours of baby name fun:

Name Voyager
Nymbler

Apricot Porridge

One more recipe that's all my own. The other day when I was pureeing some brown rice for the little man, I realized it reminded me of the porridge I'd seen at Whole Foods earlier in the day. Hmm... porridge... what would make this more porridge-y? Dried apricots! Cinnamon! So here's the recipe.

Cook brown rice as usual
Chop a handful of dried apricots
Place brown rice, apricots, and some cinnamon in food processor
Process until smooth enough for your baby

You could also puree the rice a bit, and then just add small chunks of apricot without pureeing, if your baby is into that sort of thing. The little man LOVES this. It is pretty sweet.

Plum and Berry "Crisp"

I was making crisp one night, and realized that it would be super easy to make a "crisp" for the little man. Here's my recipe:

Fruit: Whatever is good at the farmer's market / grocery store, including plums, nectarines, blueberries, peaches, whatever. You need enough to pretty much fill the pan you're going to bake them in.

Oatmeal: Rolled whole oats

Put a layer of oats across the whole bottom of the pan. Cut up and place fruit (skin on) over the oats. If the fruit isn't too juicy, either add some water or cover with foil. Bake at 350F for 30 minutes, or until fruit is cooked and oats have soaked up the fruit juice. Transfer to blender or food processor, add some cinnamon (and/or some nutmeg or cloves) and puree to desired consistency. This makes a great breakfast or "dessert"!

Homemade Baby Food

When it came time to start feeding the little man solid food, we started with Earth's Best Rice Cereal, like basically every other baby I know. After that, it was time to start veggies and fruit. Since we cook pretty much everything from scratch for ourselves, we decided we should treat the little man just the same, and make his food, too. It's actually quite easy (if you are used to cooking).

Our favorite baby cook book, and the one that gave us the basics in a helpful and well-organized manner is Le Petit Apetit by Lisa Barnes. We're still using it, since it has recipes for babies AND toddlers.

In addition to a good cook book, there are a few other essential tools to make your own baby food. You need a blender and/or a food processor, and you need at least two ice cube trays. A steamer is helpful, too, as steaming the veggies and fruit is a great way to cook them. And yes, you should cook more tart fruit such as apples and peaches too make them a little sweeter. I figured that one out the hard way!

When you make the food initially, you process it until it is all the way smooth. As your baby gets older and starts being able to have a little texture, you can leave it more lumpy. Once you've cooked and pureed/smashed to desired texture, you put the food in the ice cube trays and freeze it. The frozen cubes keep in freezer bags for quite a while, and you can put a few cubes in a bowl and microwave them when it's time for baby to eat. You can even mix and match cubes for more interesting meals.

To get the little man used to lots of flavors, we try to give him a variety of fruits, vegetables and grains, as well as a little meat. We also use spices in his food (we've been gradually increasing the additional flavors as he gets older).

Here's a (not comprehensive) list of the foods he eats regularly:

• Bananas (no need to cook - just mash with a fork; they freeze great)
• Peaches / nectarines (with skin included)
• Plums (skin included - good for digestion!)
• Mangoes
• Pears
• Apples (no skin - with cinnamon!)
  
• Zucchini (with curry and/or chili powder)
• Broccoli
• Green beans
• Sweet potatoes
• Carrots
• Green peas (with butter and curry)
  
• Spinach (with nutmeg)
  
• Brown rice (sometimes I throw a bay leaf in with the rice)
• Black beans
  
• Poached chicken

I also have a couple of my own "recipes" that I'll post soon.

Diaper Choices

A while ago (OK ages ago) a reader requested a post on diaper choices. There are TONS of good resources out there, so I won't try to duplicate them. I'll just explain our personal choices, and my view of some of the pros and cons.

DISPOSABLE
We are currently a 100% disposable diaper household. This does cause some eco-guilt among the adults in the house, but we console ourselves slightly by using Seventh Generation.

Pros:

• Easy easy easy
• Can use at day care (our day care required disposable diapers)
• Rarely if ever leak
• Not too expensive, especially if you buy using Amazon Subscribe & Save
  

Cons:

• So much waste!!
  

PARTIALLY DISPOSABLE
When the little man was born, we used G-Diapers. These are partially disposable, partially cloth diapers. We liked them, but stopped using them for two main reasons - 1) could not use them at day care, and 2) as he grew older, they tended to leak unless you changed every hour or two. They definitely did not work over night, even with two liners.

Pros:

• Much less waste, and all the waste is flushed down the toilet
• Cute cotton covers looked great with just a t-shirt

Cons:

• DO NOT USE the flushing option if you live in an old house or have touchy plumbing (you can just throw out the liners)
  
• I suspect that if everyone used G-Diapers, the sewage treatment plant would not be happy, therefore it's probably a sustainable option only if not too many people use it (which is kind of dumb)
  
• Initial investment required, and disposable liners only available at certain stores (eg Whole Foods) or online
  

CLOTH
We have not used cloth yet, but I am definitely considering going to part-time cloth diaper usage. This is an idea I got from my neighbor. It's less intimidating than full-time cloth diaper usage, but still reduces waste. Now that the little man's bowels are more predictable, we could use the cloth during the times he's only likely to pee, or times when we need to change his diaper, but it's only a short time until his bath or something.

I can't really speak to the pros and cons of this since we haven't done it yet. I can say that the initial investment for these is quite high, too, but I believe you'd save money in the long run. Here are some good websites that I will consult before choosing any cloth diapers.

• Getting Started with Cloth Diapering by Inhabitots
• Finding the Right Cloth Diaper for You by Inbalitots
• National Association of Diaper Services (find diaper service in your state)

What are your diaper experiences?